Monday, April 4, 2011

False Fronts

My step-brother was in Desert Storm.  He was my hero, I was so happy when he came home so I could hear all about what he did during his tour there.  I was shocked to find him tell of so many similarities, but one thing that stood out above all else was the false fronts.  Literally, he spoke of the huge, beautiful buildings with gold columns and elaborate carvings and all the time and detail that went into drawing you in.  But if you took the time to turn and walk down the alley, you would soon discover that the building was really just clay walls, crumbling in the desert sun.

That picture has never left me.  Tonight I was reminded once again of those buildings, and I was shown that we as Christians are just like them.  We spend so much time on the outside, making sure we appear, well, impressive, that we neglect the inner structure, our walls.  I have spent so much of my life concerned with how I look, both physically and figuratively.  But what God sees, is my heart, the walls that support the rest of me.

I have tip-toed around an abusive father, trying to be the perfect child in his eyes in order to avoid the abuse.  I have let a man control me as an adult and dictate how I look and act in order to avoid his anger.  I have kept my mouth shut when a man has laid his hands on me in order to avoid the gossip.  I have put on a false front in order to not deal with the people and things in my life.

God has showed me over and over that I don't have to be perfect.  I know this, however He has reminded me of this once again. I don't have to be perfect, because my ideal perfect is not yours, and it certainly is not God's.  I just have to be me.

April is Sexual Assault and Child Abuse Awareness month.  The more I share my story of child abuse, dating domestic violence and rape, the more I come to know that there is a huge problem being played out in our homes every day.  People putting on a false front to hide some very ugly things.  And too many people, and sadly, Christians, either turn their heads and do nothing, or are the very abusers themselves.  It is time for the false fronts to crumble like the walls of Jericho.

2 Thessalonians 3:2 and that we will be rescued from perverse and evil men; for not all have faith.  That verse is so true.  Not all of us have the faith needed to make a change on our own, whether to escape an abusive relationship, to help someone out of one, or to get help to stop being the abuser.  But God can change anything.

Please pray.  For the victims.  For the survivors.  For the ones abusing.  God gives the strength, all we need is the faith.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Victory in the little things

Every day that I wake up and realize that I did not have a nightmare is one more victory. 

It seems odd to me that should be a celebration.  Celebrations should be over something monumental, like birth, marriage or graduation, not a night without a nightmare.  But for me, that is what I have come to celebrate. 

Being a survivor of rape does not end when the judge hits his gavel on his desk and calls the next case.  The man who raped me may walk freely, but I do not know that freedom.  I have good days and good nights, but not one day has gone by since Sept 20, 2009 when I do not think about having my freedom stolen from me.

So now, I celebrate the small victories, like sleeping soundly, looking down and realizing I didn't automatically lock the door, not checking every face in every car I pass and not constantly looking over my shoulder at the store.

Every day I wake up is one more victory.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Armor of God

Some days are better then others to get through.  You never know what will trigger a bad day or when it will come along.  It is important to have strong people to be there, and faith in the Lord to get you through.

Over the last week, I have needed that strength to lean on.  As I finished my last client yesterday, my co-worker told me that she admired the strength I had to stay positive and know my self-worth.  It was funny to me that she sees that, because I do not feel that way about myself.

After surviving six years of abuse and sexual assault, I don' talways feel like being positive.  Many days I have to push back the fear I still live with every day and force myself to smile.  I find my strength in empowering myself through taking back my identity.  Whether it is adding a touch of pink to my hair, or putting on colorful makeup, I take back one negative memory at a time.

The first of seven counselors told me I would have to find a new normal to my life, because I could never go back to my life as I knew it.  Almost eighteen months later, I think I am finding what normal is.  For me, part of having Fearless Faith is sharing my story, not because I am proud of what happened or to draw sympathy, rather, to empower women to live a new normal that they never knew they could.  God does not intend for us to live in fear, Ephesians 6:10-17

The Armor of God
 10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. God provides for us a shield to protect us and empower us with the truth that we no longer need to live ing fear! (emphasis mine) 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Living out of Fear

Fearless.
That is my word for the year.  It is what I live by, what defines and drives me.  I can not enjoy my life if I am in constant fear, for that is not living, but merely surviving.  I survived for 37 years.  It is time to live.

Fearless is cutting my hair off and dying it pink, and not being afraid of the consequences.  Fearless is going back to school and having faith God will provide.  Fearless is taking a cruise and not just dreaming about it.  Fearless is being comfortable in my own skin.

Fearless is living.  This blog is all about what happens when you stop being a victim and start living out of fear.

http://www.joyfulheartfoundation.org/